How Social Anxiety Affected My Childhood
Social anxiety, and anxiety in general, has been a huge struggle throughout my life. Throughout my childhood, I constantly struggled to make friends. I just didn’t know how to talk to people. I was always unsure about what to say or how to act around others. So I often felt alone, misunderstood, and unappreciated. I always felt like I didn’t fit in with everyone else. Somehow, I was different.
Now, as an adult, I am a bit more outspoken. Yet, I still struggle to find my place in such a social world. All around me, it seems like adults have groups of friends, attend parties and events, and live great, full lives. So, when I look at my own life and fail to see those things, I think about how I got to this point, and sometimes, I think of LAURA.
Let’s Meet LAURA
LAURA was a very big girl. She was tall — the tallest in our grade. She was also overweight with broad shoulders and hips, and thick thighs. Her hair was short, blonde, wavy, and frizzy, much like mine. She may have been a big girl, but she had a very big personality to go along with all of that. LAURA was very outspoken and was not afraid to tell you what she thought. But she joked around a lot, too. As we got older, LAURA gained a reputation, at least in my opinion, of being a big badass who just didn’t give a fuck. She had plenty of friends with similar personalities to hers too. One friend of hers that stands out in particular is KURT.
As a “loner” with social anxiety, LAURA was a very intimidating person. The fact that she was friends with KURT didn’t help. It simply reinforced the idea in my head that she had the power to outcast me more than I already was. She could easily get anybody to make fun of me if she felt it appropriate. She was popular with other outspoken kids in our school. Sometimes, she made fun of kids to maintain her position, so that meant I could easily be next. I didn’t need that kind of attention or negativity. Unfortunately, due to her personality and friendship with KURT, she was guilty by association before she ever even had a chance to act. I had to be perfect around her, so I just avoided her.
But at some point in middle school, LAURA began talking to me. And she kept talking to me, so I feel like she must have found me funny, or at least mildly interesting. Eventually she started asking me to sit with her at her table during lunch. Then we hung out with some friends after school a few times. Believe it or not, KURT was there a few of those times, and I was surprisingly (mostly) okay with it. Then one day, we arranged a sleepover. She and another friend of hers, who also sort of became friends with me, ANDREA, were going to come sleepover at my house. This was a big thing for me because they were new friends, and a completely different type of friend that I had never brought over before.
Anxiety at the Sleepover
Overwhelmed With Thoughts and Emotions?
At my house that night, we were all hanging out and everything was great. But at some point during the course of the night. I started feeling nervous. Like I wasn’t fitting in enough. Or like I wasn’t being a good hostess. I’m really not sure because it’s been so long. What I do remember though, is that I locked myself up in the bathroom, and later my bedroom, and wouldn’t come out. Naturally, LAURA and ANDREA had no idea why I was upset and what was going on. They just knew that they were alone in someone else’s house. They must have felt very uncomfortable. Again, I’m not sure what caused me to behave this way; however, I can absolutely see why it caused an issue.
Shaming: Starring LAURA’s Asshole Dad
Naturally, LAURA and ANDREA became so uncomfortable being by themselves in my house, where I was locked up in my room and wouldn’t come out or talk to anyone. So LAURA had her dad come pick them up. They didn’t want to stay anymore. I really fucked up.
Well, while LAURA’s dad was parked out in our driveway waiting for LAURA and ANDREA to come out, my mom went outside to talk to him. Apparently, LAURA’s dad felt the need to be a complete asshole. You must have thought we ruined his entire night, making him come and get his daughter. He made sure to let everybody know how ridiculous I was acting. Sadly, I knew that I was, and I truly felt bad about it. I was incredibly disappointed in myself and I was so scared that I was going to ruin a brand new friendship that I really thought would be good for me. So I shamefully went out to the driveway and apologized and asked if I could come with them back to LAURA’s house. Maybe it was just being at home that made me uncomfortable and gave me an opportunity to escape. I hoped that I could fix this. I really cared about their opinions of me. Fortunately, everyone agreed.
We Moved the Sleepover to LAURA’s House
So LAURA, ANDREA, and I went over to LAURA’s house. There, I learned how to put on eyeliner for the first time. That was a big moment for me and really boosted my confidence. I still think about this night often, particularly when I am wearing eyeliner and really feeling good about the way it looks on me. During that night, we hung out, did makeup, listened to music, read magazines, and talked for hours, and it was a good night.
I also met LAURA’s older sister that night, who seemed to have a personality similar to LAURA’s. In a way, I felt like LAURA looked up to her sister and was very much influenced by her. LAURA’s sister seemed to be pretty, outspoken, and had a love for high-quality, fashionable makeup and accessories. Her sister’s love for expensive, quality, and fashionable brands seemed like it rubbed off on LAURA as well. LAURA clearly had a passion for the same types of possessions. I suppose, in a weird way, I associated this type of person with the kind of person I did not fit in with as well. So I was irrationally terrified of LAURA’s sister, seeing her as a person that would look down on me and make fun of me for my lack of knowledge and experience in the same things she was interested in. I’m sure that my fear, or my strangeness, came across strongly in my quiet, reserved behavior. This was, sadly, the way I acted around most new people. I couldn’t trust anyone for some reason. Now that I’m older, I realize how foolish this sounds, but as a child, those fears were very real, rational, and critically important. Thoughts like this likely accounted for many of my fears and emotions around people I was unfamiliar with.
Anxiety Ruined a Potential Friendship
Despite having a good night in the end, unfortunately my friendship with LAURA began to fade, just as many others seemed to do. I think my unintentional drama the night before caused our friendship to decline. LAURA and ANDREA went back to their circle, I went back to mine, and I think we just understood that maybe I didn’t fit in with them after all. I tried not to let it affect me much then. In a way, I think I was relieved because I no longer needed to worry about what I was doing and saying just so I could fit in.
Mental Health and Highly Sensitive Persons
I definitely had a lot of mental health issues that I still struggle to account for and explain to this day, and I feel a lot of shame about that day, even still. I wish I knew what I was so upset about or so afraid of. Do I regret holing myself up in my room, locking myself away and hiding? Absolutely. I don’t know if it was attention that I was seeking or if I really was just so overwhelmed that the only thing that I could think to do was escape.
I’ve read a bit about highly sensitive persons and how they often need to hide, or escape, to adjust to their feelings and surroundings when things become overwhelming or overstimulating — activities, sounds, emotions, thoughts, etc. I want to believe that this is what I was experiencing back then. It feels likely considering the situation I was in with new friends in my home, wanting to impress them and entertain them so badly, and probably feeling unsure about myself the entire time. Still, I wish that they knew that I really wanted to be friends with them. I really seeked their approval. I don’t know what was wrong with me. Hopefully they didn’t think I was crazy. Was I though?
Gratitude for the Experience
I’m big on gratitude lately, so in wanting to practice gratitude, I can certainly find some things to be grateful for here.
First, I am genuinely grateful that LAURA and her friends gave me a chance. They saw something in me that was special enough to invite me into their circle, even if it was for a relatively short period of time. As a person with social anxiety disorder, that is big. It is hard enough to make friends on my own, so when someone reaches out and shows an interest, that can really ignite a special relationship. In this instance, things just didn’t work out between us, and that’s okay. That kind of stuff happens all the time. The important thing is that I still respect them, and I hope that they still respect me. I do not remember anything particularly negative coming from the way our friendship faded out, and I am absolutely grateful for that as well.
Above all, I have some really special memories from our nights hanging out with friends and our sleepover. They’re mostly positive memories, for which I can certainly be thankful as well. For example, I’m so glad they taught me how to apply eyeliner! Damn, do I look good in eyeliner! 😘
I associate this experience so often with the fear and shame that I felt during the night of our sleepover. But really, there were so many more good things that came out of this experience than bad. Even though the ultimate goal of having a new group of friends to spend time with ended earlier than I had hoped, I still have a lot of great memories of the nights we spent with friends and the time spent at LAURA’s house. They could have continued to ignore me and let me continue believing that I was unworthy of anyone’s attention, but they didn’t. They gave me a chance. They wanted to know me. For that, I am absolutely grateful.
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