Lately, especially today, I have been thinking a lot about existential dread.

What is existential dread?

Now, before I go throwing that phrase around as if I am some kind of professional who actually knows what she is talking about, I wanted to make sure I am using it correctly. So, what is existential dread? Existential dread, often known also as an existential crisis, involves persistent wondering and/or negative feelings about the meaning of life. Often, the thoughts brought about during an existential crisis have us wondering whether we are achieving anything meaningful in our lives. Sometimes, worrying associated with existential dread may have us afraid that something dreadful may happen — the world could end tomorrow, after all.

Interestingly, our brains always seek to fill in the missing answers to questions. Sometimes, it even makes up the answer when it doesn’t know. We are always seeking to fill in the blanks. So, when we are unable to, this creates a strong sense of uncertainty, and that uncertainty can lead to anxiety. Unfortunately, the future is ripe with the unknown, and so there are many opportunities for uncertainty and anxiety to arise. Consider the COVID-19 pandemic; there were many unknowns about the spread of the disease, its complications, and our futures with it. Consequently, we saw an increase in cases of anxiety, and those effects still seem to be noticeable today, 3 years later. Naturally, this means that unresolved questions surrounding the meaning of life or our purpose within could lead to feelings of anxiety as well. 

 

My Current Thoughts and Feelings on Existential Dread

Meeting Others’ Expectations

Much of this seems to fit in pretty well with what I am feeling at this point in my life. However, I do not really worry much about the fact that my life will end; Contrarily, I often wish it would. Instead, my current thoughts have me questioning why humans are even alive and why societal norms seem to dictate how our lives are lived. Here’s the thing: not a single one of us asked to be here. Yet, there are so many expectations of us that it can feel impossible to live up to them at times. But why should we? Why should we live up to anyone else’s expectations but our own? Because if we don’t, we are an outcast in society.

I often think about people who have been imprisoned. In many cases, men and women in prisons are there simply because they were doing what they wanted to do. Yet, a small fraction of our society can determine that an action is illegal. Suddenly, we are throwing people in prisons, wasting our time trying to bully them into submission, all because a fraction of society believes that isolating, or banishing, “bad” people from society makes our lives and communities better. How foolish are we? Certainly, this isn’t always the case. Some things genuinely prevent others’ quiet enjoyment of life and should justly be outlawed in our society; however, I can think of various cases where this concept is glaringly offensive. It’s stifling and frustrating. If they’re not directly affecting your quality of life, leave them the hell alone. Let people make mistakes. Help them learn. Help them grow. Shaming and isolation is often stupid and unnecessary.

False Freedom

So, on one hand we have humans being told that they can’t do things that they want to do just because a select few people in society deem that it’s inappropriate. Yet on the other hand, we also have humans being forced to do things that they don’t want to do, or risk their safety and security. For instance, who the hell wants to work 40 hours a week? That’s nearly 1/4 of your week spent working. Surely there are many creative opportunities that are missed because we’re spending them working under someone else’s rule, and that doesn’t even include overtime, which is often forced under the premise that you may lose your job if you don’t comply.

We create our own destiny. But do we have as much control over that as we think? Sure, the choices we make tend to affect the outcomes, so in that regard, we have a lot of control. However, it does not feel like much of a choice when the only options are to choose the option you don’t want or suffer. Sure, you could choose to not work, but then you will likely go cold and hungry. Is there really a choice here? No one can afford to lose their job, especially in this current economy, And no one wants to actively choose their own suffering, so we trudge along and continue to perpetuate our own misery in the name of “living”. You’re effectively forced to comply.
 
Maybe I’m whining, because so many people seem to cope with this and just understand that it’s a part of life. But for me, it’s hard to reconcile. I want to do what I want to do with the one and only life that I’m given. If I need to get food, I want to work to make the money to get that food, sure. Likewise, there are definitely luxuries I enjoy thanks to the fact that I have a job, and I would prefer not to lose access to those luxuries. But I also want to be able to do the necessary work to support myself when I’m comfortable doing it and when it suits me. I don’t want to have to live to someone else’s expectations and rules. That doesn’t make me happy. That doesn’t lead to a fruitful life in my opinion. Yet, unfortunately, that’s what we’re commonly forced into doing because we have to pay the bills. Otherwise, we’re an outcast in society, right?
 
Perhaps being an outcast means we aren’t taking care of ourselves or our loved ones “properly”. Well, that doesn’t require help! Instead, let’s shame them! Or being an outcast might just mean you’re a recluse who spends their time at home not interacting with others, which is apparently strange and even frightening to some members of society. Fear of the unknown, right? We wonder what they’re doing in there all alone. It must be something nefarious!

Call it laziness if you will, but I just feel an overwhelming amount of dread over being forced to do things I don’t want to do. Sometimes that means getting up for work when I really would rather just sleep in. Sometimes that means that I don’t want to take my kids to their doctor appointment today because driving just sounds like a dumb waste of time or it’s giving me too much anxiety on that particular day. I’d be OK doing it tomorrow. Or maybe even next month. But doesn’t that make me look like a bad parent? Gotta watch out for that one.

Am I Whining or Just Missing the Point?

Again, when I say things like that, I feel like I’m whining because I know people do this kind of thing all of the time. It’s a part of life. I can understand this necessity in a lot of instances. So maybe it’s depression for me. Maybe depression is truly why it is just gut wrenching sometimes to do anything other than get out of bed, because that’s what I’d really rather be doing. And then I think ahead to an entire life of this. And I wonder why? Why do I keep subjecting myself to someone else’s needs and desires when this is my life? Aren’t I meant to enjoy it? Don’t I deserve to enjoy it?

Feeling Like Nothing I Do Truly Matters

I also spend a lot of time wondering whether I am living up to my full potential. Will anything that I’m doing now matter once I’m dead? Personally, I have this need for status and attention. As a young girl, I used to dream of being a singer. I really idolized Britney Spears. Actually, I still do. I feel like you can easily say Britney will leave behind a great legacy through her music, which just touched countless lives, and I want to do that too. I want to be remembered, acknowleged, and appreciated. Yet it feels like the day in and day out struggle — the everyday struggle of just trying to make enough money to survive — is getting me nowhere. In the end, it feels like I’m actually just going to be forgotten like most of society is. And that’s hard for me to reconcile as well. It actually brings me a lot of pain to know that most of what I do is not going to matter. Why should anyone remember me? There’s almost nothing that sets me apart from the average person in society. Surely my close group of friends and family will remember me, for at least the next generation. But after that, I’m just a speck of dust in this universe. I’m going to quote a Linkin Park song here, but “who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars?”

I commonly think about how nothing that I’m doing right now matters. So why am I even here? And it’s especially prevalent in those times when I’m really depressed and don’t want to be here. But here I stay because my kids desperately need me. For right now, I suppose that’s my purpose, but it’s a temporary one. They’ll grow up to be adults and self-sufficient someday. The time is growing nearer when they will no longer need me. I can only hope they will still want me.

 

Coping With Existential Dread

For me, coping right now looks like trying to build a life and a business for myself where I am in control. If I want to stay up until 2:00 AM and sleep until 10 AM, that is precisely what I would like to see myself do. And if, the very next day, I want to stay up until 5:00 AM and not wake up until 5:00 PM, I want that to be okay. I want the flexibility for my schedule to be able to change. Right now, that’s what would make me happy. That’s what makes me comfy, and I’m all about staying comfy right now. I want to be able to be there for my children in every possible way without risking the very home we live in and food that we eat. Sure, a life like that is possible with the right personality,  motivation, and maybe education. But even with the solace that being able to build a life like that is possible, there are still times when I feel an incredible amount of dread about the steps needed to get there, particularly when I feel forced into doing something I’d rather not do.

 

What Existential Dread Means To Me

So on the topic of existential dread: I don’t worry about dying. Again, I often welcome it because, in the end, trying to live up to someone else’s expectations and often failing at it is painful and hard and doesn’t genuinely feel like the life that I want to live. I’m the type of person that will seek out change and will always look to do better. So I don’t think I’d become invaluable to society if left to my own devices. But I want to explore. I want to be free. I want to be happy. For me, existential dread means dreading having to meet expectations.

Existential dread also looks like wondering what the point of life is, especially with so much struggling and suffering. What motivates any of us to persevere the way so many of us do? What is the point of all of this? If I’m not bringing value to the world, why should I continue to be here? In that regard, I’m sure there’s something linked to depression there. So I wonder too, is it possible to think this heavily about existential dread without having depression? Is this depression or just philosophy? Do you think that my thought processes mean that I’m depressed? And if so, is it simply because I think that I don’t want to, or shouldn’t, continue living if I decide that’s the case?

I’ll save my thoughts on suicide for another lengthy future post. That’s sure to be a doozy.

 

Resources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10088605/#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20World%20Health%20Organization%20(WHO)%2C%20since%20the,25%25%20globally%20%5B13%5D.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/existential-crisis-and-dread#is-it-a-mental-health-condition

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-call-therapist/202005/existential-angst

 

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